Words, Emojis And Emotions

In my recent blog, “Talents Undiscovered, ” I talked about how I discovered what talent I have as a writer when I took on the daunting task of becoming a a novelist. In part, that blog was a thank you to my editor, Robert Brill, who provided me with a mentorship in writing as we collaborated, putting into a work of fiction experiences, thoughts and feelings that I had expressed, until then, only in brief letters and essays.

As you can imagine, after I posted that blog, Rob and I exchanged a couple of emails in which we affirmed the great pleasure we had shared working with each other and the satisfaction and pride that we share about what we accomplished. (Thankfully, Rob, who was once teased by his newspaper staff for demanding that they find an “alternative word for the word ‘the,'” offered no editing advice on the blog. )

Writing, particularly in this blog site, has become more and more important to me as my illness has stolen from me every previous form of productive activity and means of creativity and self-expression. It has kept me connected with the world as well as with my own thoughts and feelings. It has given me a good reason to continue to carry on, finding a way to make each day meaningful and productive.

As it has become more difficult for me to type on my computer I have resorted to using dictation a lot. That’s often frustrating. I still try to respond briefly in words to emails from readers, friends and acquaintances, but I have found myself resorting more and more frequently to putting those responses into the form of emojis.

Given what I did for a living this is a bit ironic. The power of psychotherapy lies in the ability of an individual to recognize feelings that they have repressed. Unconscious emotions cause people to act counterproductively in many aspects of their lives, especially in their relationships. I taught patients to take ownership of those feelings and to understand their origins clearly by enabling them to translate them into words. Through these words, a person can begin the process of transformation that can occur only when we acknowledge and understand, on an intellectual level, the emotions roiling within us. Words are empowering. They give us control of our actions.

Even in my relationships with the closest people in my life, I have never been a gushy flowery speaker. The words “I love you” were reserved for only a very few people in my life. Rather, my conversations with people and expressions of my feelings have taken the form of more formal speech, reflecting ideas and conveying interpersonal warmth in less direct ways.

When one reaches the point in life when time grows short, and when we realize how much, and in how many different ways, we love the people who touch us, it becomes, at least it did for me, more important to be more direct. No longer limited to intimate family exchanges, the words “I love you” have passed my lips more times in the past couple of years than they had over the entire previous course of my life. I say them to my friends, to my caretakers and especially to the rest of my family with no embarrassment and without fear that they will be taken in any way other than how they are intended. It has been wonderful when these people have reciprocated with their own expressions of love.

Rob responded to my blog with beautifully crafted words expressing his appreciation for having had the opportunity to know me and to work with me and the pleasure he has experienced seeing me grow as a writer. But my response to him was simply two emojis. The first was a smiley face and the second was a face wearing a pair of sunglasses. I am sure he got the message that his words made me happy, and the joke of “yeah, and ain’t I the writing rockstar? “

There is no substitute for clear, verbal communication, not only in formal writing, but in day to day interactions with people. I find myself, however, responding more lately to those commenting on my writing as well as in routine responses to other electronic communications, resorting to emojis. This has make it easier for me to express myself to those people who continue to send their feelings of support my way.

There is a feature on my Apple notebook at the top of the keyboard, a strip on which, among other functions, appears a smiley face. When it is selected, the strip displays a long string of possible emojis that I can use. It appears that the emojis become arranged in the order of the frequency with which I have employed them,.

I noticed today that the first emoji that appears in my personalized strip is the face with hearts for eyes. The next is a smily face. Next comes the face with tears of laughter.

Isn’t it wonderful that my computer is telling me that in the midst of the sadness and suffering my illness has imposed on me that the feelings that dominate my thoughts are those of love, joy and laughter?

Even after the time comes when I am no longer able even to communicate with these simple symbols, I hope the feelings I have inside will continue to be the same. For love and laughter are what makes life worth living.. I am grateful. that my life has given me the opportunity to experience them to their greatest extent and that the people in my life have given me the opportunity to express, without reservation, the fulness of the emotions within my heart.