The Gift Of Not Giving

“My love, don’t give me presents, I know that she’s no peasant.” The Beatles

‘Tis the season— when it is expected to give and to receive gifts. Lord, do I hate gift exchanging. My Honey, and I made a pact a long time ago to not exchange gifts with each other. I can hear you saying now, “How selfish!” or “What cheapskates.” Be assured when our kids open their xmas envelopes they will beg to differ.

In many ways, my wife and I are quiet rebels. We tend not to conform to some conventional behaviors others take for granted, including exchanging of gifts to one another on holidays and occasions. We have our reasons. We both dislike the whole rigmarole of shopping. We have no desire to accumulate material objects that simply take up space. The only “things” we desire are tools with which to carry out the creative projects we enjoy engaging in. On the rare occasions when we truly want something we prefer to buy it for ourselves to be sure we get what we really want. As the Beatles song goes, all we desire from each other is each other. Material objects, no matter how costly, seem be but a pale substitute for that which we already possess.

To wrack one’s brain trying to figure out what someone else wants, and usually purchasing something that they really don’t, is a huge waste of time and worse, an imposition on them that comes with the presumed expectation of reciprocity. We believe if you really want to show someone how much you care you do it through words and deeds, not material things.

On events like Christmas and birthdays we sometimes receive gifts from people who really should not feel the need to provide them and to whom we have no desire to gift in return. Generally, whatever they give is something we have no wish or use for. We are much more gratified simply to hear them express their feelings and good wishes verbally. Perhaps since many people are not good at doing that, or feel it is not enough, they give gifts instead.

It’s likely my professional experience contributes to that conclusion. It included training in psychoanalytic psychotherapy, which, contrary to contemporary belief, was and, remains, a highly effective mode of treatment when delivered by a skilled practitioner to a patient who is suitable for that mode of therapy. In my psychiatric practice, patients often presented me with gifts. If they were in a mode of therapy other than psychoanalytic, I would usually accept the gift graciously. With psychoanalytic cases, however, I would politely decline their offerings. The reason for this is that such therapy works by developing the patient’s ability to think about the motivations for their behaviors, to learn how to tune in to their emotions, and to express them directly, verbally, to significant others. Giving a gift short circuits that process.

Hence, when presented with a gift by one of these patients, I would thank them for the thought but gently encourage them to share with me the reasons why they felt they needed to give me something. Invariably what we would discover would be extremely useful toward understanding how they saw themselves in the context of relationships. Many of these people felt themselves unworthy of positive regard for simply being who they were. They felt the need to foster my acceptance by giving me something that symbolized their difficult to express or unconscious feelings about me. Since the whole point of therapy was to elucidate the workings of their minds around interpersonal intimacy, to accept the gift would be counterproductive. It would replace the process of discovering deeply rooted insecurities and fears that usually surrounded their need to feel loved and accepted by others. In fact, my goal was to make them see that the most valuable things they could give me were their trust and their honest feelings, positive or negative.

Life, of course, is not therapy, but for me at least, relationships are much more relaxed and enjoyable when gift exchanges, with all their fuss and bother, are not a part of the mix.

I don’t deign to convince you to abandon your gift exchanging on the basis of my attitude about it, but the next time you feel compelled to gift me, kindly resist the urge. In exchange you will receive my heartfelt gratitude.