Hannibal Lecter’s Guide To Haitian Cuisine

Just when I thought America had forgotten me, former President Trump resurrected my career as the ultimate psychopathic sociopath. As they say, it takes one to know one. Our similarities notwithstanding, I pity Mr. Trump for never having cultivated the pleasures of cannibalism, but we all know his tastes in food are quite limited. He is cannibalistic, however, in the sense that he uses, chews up and spits out anyone who works for him. But take heart (or liver or kidney) there’s still time to stretch his culinary boundaries. I’d suggest putting ketchup on everything after cooking it very well done. He’ll never suspect it isn’t steak.

I was surprised to learn from him that all the immigrants flooding over the border are criminally insane like me. It’s kind of a put down that he elevates them to my status, but I’ll let that pass. The real purpose of this correspondence is to provide information that will free thousands of American pet owners from the inconvenience and expense of pet ownership. So many pets were adopted during the covid years. So much buyers’ remorse. Ah, but here’s the good news, they are all at prime eating age.

Look how much more practical Haitians are about their dogs and cats. Haitian annual expenditure on them is zero. They simply run free. Trouble is, they are so malnourished they don’t even provide a decent snack. Americans spend $140 billion per year on their pets, seven times the entire GDP of Haiti. Imagine how much meatier the dogs and cats here are than they are in Haiti. Their consumption would be a great solution to the rising cost of groceries and, once consumed, they’d never require to be walked at all hours day and night, fed, groomed or cost thousands in uninsured vet fees. Former owners can sleep all night undisturbed and wake up flea free. Homes are peacefully quiet and free of unsightly pet hair and other bodily byproducts provided by their animal tenants.

Are Haitians coming to the USA to escape political chaos, rampant crime and crushing poverty? Of course not. It’s because the pets here are so much more delectable. Asylum keepers in Haiti are releasing their huge population of rapists, criminals and dog eaters from prisons and mental hospitals and providing them with directions to the US border, on the other side of which lies a pet eater’s paradise.

For some reason Haitian refugees bypass the pets of the South, preferring to feast on the dogs and cats of Ohio. How delicious these denizens of the Buckeye State must be.

While my own inclinations run toward human liver served in the Venetian style accompanied by a nice bottle of Chianti, I can appreciate the preference of some gourmets for dog and cat delicacies. I’m told, like everything else, they taste like chicken, so traditional creole poultry recipes for stews and meatballs would work well. Many Haitian recipes are to be found on-line, though, strangely, none specifically call for canines or felines. The good chef must improvise. For the squeamish, the only catch is that you need to slaughter, clean and butcher Fido or Kitty-Kat. That makes for a lot of work, but the rest is easy. Prepare with traditional Haitian spices and flavorings. From my perspective the best part is slaughtering them, so I would be glad to do it gratis for you, after which I would put you on my personal menu. A fair enough business transaction, don’t you agree? Actually, very Trump-like.

Too bad Trump has no pets for me to prepare for him. I would love for him to become my dinner. Can you imagine how delicious those 300 pounds of tender flesh and adipose tissue must be? He’d feed me for weeks. Finally, the man would have been put to a useful purpose.

Ah, if only I weren’t a fictional character, but please don’t enlighten Mr. Trump of that. He insists I’m the “late, great Hannibal Lecter,” and I certainly could not be “the late” if I had not actually once been alive. Let’s not disillusion him. After all, the poor sod is confused enough as it is.