My Little Chat With The Big Guy

I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and just as I was getting back in bed, a voice came to me clear as bell.

“Yo Norm,” it said. “Guess who.”

Unless I’d wound up in an episode of “Cheers,” I knew. “As You told Moses,” I said, “You are that You are.”

“Bingo!” goes the voice, “And as Popeye said, ‘I yam what I yam'” He chuckled, obviously tickled by His own wit.

I looked toward the voice, and, wadda you know, my dresser was burning but yet it was not consumed. I guess that was the best He could do since we have no houseplants. It wasn’t smoking either, and the smoke alarm remained silent. It reminded me I needed to replace the battery.

“To what do I owe the honor?” I asked. “After all, You know I don’t even believe in you. Or didn’t before now, anyway. I call myself an agnostic, but that’s really just semantics. If there’s anything that’s “God,” I consider it to be the power of the universe itself. Hope that didn’t hurt Your feelings.”

“No problelm, good buddy. Obviously you’re smart enough to realize I don’t exist. Or shouldn’t exist. But in this case the believers had the dumb luck to come up with the fact that I do. To be honest, I can hardly believe it Myself. As to how I got there in the first place, they don’t ask and I’ve no clue. I actually prefer those who don’t believe in Me. They don’t keep Me awake day and night, and especially on My day off, with their prayers. The holy rollers should have figured out long ago that I don’t answer them.”

Now I was really confused. “So why the visit? Why now? Why me?”

“It’s like this. I noticed you were a pretty decent shrink back in the day and I need some professional advice. From the time you humans climbed out of the trees, you’ve been a nuisance to the rest of My creatures. Frankly, I wouldn’t shed a tear if all your shenanigans brought the end of your kind, but now, thanks to you guys, all the other animals are in trouble. Well, maybe not the bugs, but cute as they are, you know, they’re not bunny rabbits either. So I got to thinking. The first time around with that big flood, I blew it by saving Noah’s clan. That was the only way I could think of to spare the animals, but Noah and family had to come along for the ride. I guess I didn’t do a good job vetting him. I mean, the first thing the guy does after the ark lands is get plastered and roll around naked. It all went downhill from there. So much for that “great” plan.

“But now,” the Big Guy went on, “you humans are doing the job for me. If I just do nothing, especially if Trump wins, you’ll move the process along and finish off your pitiful species all on your own and right soon.”

“OK, so what’s Your problem? “

“As I said, you’re killing off all the other species as well. I could intervene and make sure Trump loses. I could even smite the evil bastard. Well, I might be able to. Actually my smiting skills may be a little rusty. I haven’t done any since knocking off Pharaoh’s first born.”

“Personally, I wouldn’t mind a good smiting,” I said, “While You’re at it, why not throw in a few supreme Court Justices? But if You’re skittish about it, why not come down to Joe Biden like he asked you to and command him to drop out? That might do the trick.”

“Seriously? I haven’t wasted My breath talking to a human since the Old Testament days, and Joe knows that damn well. Those evangelicals who claim to talk to me? The fools are actually talking to Satan in disguise, that old jokester.”

” Ah, that explains a lot. But You’re talking to me now.”

“Technically, just consulting. Yeah, I know maybe if I smote a few people or talked to Joe, you guys might find a way to save the planet yet. But, I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel right. Maybe I’m getting soft in my old age. Still, if I don’t do anything, with the news media spinning false equivalences, the Supreme Court making sure the rest of Trump’s trials are put off forever and he’ll have the power of a king, the Russians and Chinese flooding the internet with lies, and that horrible debate performance by Biden, it’s likely Trump will win the election. Heck, the fact he got more popular after the convictions says it all about your moronic species.

“Technically just half of us,” I said, “but You’re supposed to be omniscient. You should already know who will win. And why bother to ask–of all people– my opinion?

“Omniscient?” He chuckled, “That’s rich. If only. Why do I ask you? To tell the truth, I feel a little guilty not helping you pathetic creatures. Part of Me knows, as you said, some of you are reasonable. Even after the Noah fiasco, it seems extreme to let everyone die because so many of you are either ignoramuses or greedy bastards. Who knows? If you survive you may yet grow up. I realized I needed somebody to talk to. To help me make up my mind. Somebody rational who can keep a secret. It gets lonely at the top. I have my reputation to protect. Can’t confide in the angels. This is a big decision I’m making. Since you were a shrink, I figured you’d keep it confidential. And if you blurted it out in your blog, well, where’s the harm? Hardly anyone reads it.”

“Thanks— I suppose. Look Big Fella,” I went on, counseling Him as I would any patient and, in the spirit of therapeutic neutrality, putting aside my personal preference that he sharpen up His mighty sword, “if You feel guilty, that’s Your problem. After all, You’re Jewish and Jewish guilt is a given. But even You can’t have Your cake and eat it. Sorry to disappoint You, but I can’t tell You what to do. This is something You have to decide for Yourself. And even if You don’t stop Trump, well there’s still a chance the good guys will prevail. You gave us free will, so maybe You should let us use it. Wouldn’t You feel better about us if we fixed it ourselves? If we don’t, it’s our own fault. Nobody’s perfect. Obviously not even You. You did Your best. Why feel guilty? As for the other species, it wouldn’t be the first extinction or the last. They’ll evolve and adapt if You just wait patiently.”

“Hmmm…,” said God, letting out a big sigh. I could tell He was feeling better. “You’re right, of course,” He said, “Maybe I just got caught up in all the hype. Gotta turn off cable news. Wow, that advice really made the difference. Who says all shrinks are quacks? You’ve been a big help, Doc. Send Me your bill. Now go back to bed and try to get a little rest. And, for goodness sake, keep this conversation between us.”

“Whatever You say,” I promised, fingers crossed behind my back.

The dresser went dark and all was still. Trembling, I sat there in bed realizing He’d never said what He’d decided to do. But that’s His business, and I guess we’ll eventually find out. Still I was wishing I’d asked Him a million questions. Like what’s the meaning of life? What came first, the chicken or the egg? You know, stuff like that.

Then it hit me. This joker probably didn’t have any more of a clue about all that than we do.