Inauguration Day

Washington, DC January 20, 2025: President Donald J. Trump took his usual breakfast of bacon, sausage, an egg McMuffin and a large diet coke in his private suite at the Miami minimum security prison he has called home for the past three months.

He was then sworn in by Chief Justice Roberts who then swore in Vice President Donald Trump, Jr.

First Lady, Melania, had sent her regrets, citing a scheduling conflict with a longstanding hair salon appointment and a private shopping session at Bergdorf Goodman. Daughters Ivanka and Tiffany held the Bible in her stead. Later, Trump quipped, “I couldn’t decide on one over the other. They’re both such pieces of ass, how could you choose?”

Trump, aided by the presence of a third party candidate, narrowly flipped several previously blue states and carried the South and Mid-West to win the electoral college despite having taken only 30 percent of the popular vote. He claimed he was now in his third consecutive term as president, so “that dumb two term limit clearly no longer applies.” He vowed to remain in office for life, “and let me tell you folks, my doctors say that’s gonna be a long, long time.”

Immediately after being sworn in, Trump pardoned himself and was flown to Washington where he delivered the inaugural address to an enthusiastic crowd of supporters, many dressed in army fatigues and carrying AK-15s. Along with “Old Glory,” they flew the Trump flag, the Confederate flag, the Christian flag, as well as banners emblazoned with “Jesus.” Supporters sported red baseball caps with “MAGA” on the front and crossed American, Trump and Confederate flags on the back. “This time,” said Trump, “we are going to finish the job. America will be great again. For good.”

Trump announced that his first official act would be to declare Christianity the national religion. This would be followed by the dissolution of both houses of Congress. He would then appoint Steven Bannon to head the Department of State and Mike Lindell of “My Pillow” fame to the post of US Attorney General. The third party candidate and coal mining magnate, Joe Manchin, would be appointed Secretary of the Interior.

He promised to redirect all the funds that had been earmarked for infrastructure renewal to the completion of the “big beautiful wall” that he pledged would span the entire length of the nation at both the northern southern borders. He also vowed to defund the IRS and eliminate taxes for all businesses employing fifty or more and anyone who earns more than $500 thousand per year. He would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency and return the nation to to a carbon based energy system. Additionally he would outlaw low flow toilets and showers, terminate Medicare, Medicaid and the food stamp program (“think of all the money that’s wasted on those deadbeats,” he said) and make abortion a federal offense punishable by death. He would send all citizens whose American ancestry could not be traced back at least four generations “back to the shit-hole countries they came from.” Though Blacks technically qualify to stay they would be shipped off to Africa because “even though they’ve been here a long time, they never wanted to come here in the first place”

He fired fifty thousand civil service employees on the spot, vowing to replace them with “truly patriotic and loyal” political appointees. “We’ve had enough of the deep state,” said Trump, “From now on, my people call all the shots.”

Trump announced that he was replacing Gen. Mark A. Milley, former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, with Yevgeniy Prigozhin who was bringing his entire Wagner group to Washington as the “first step in reforming our woefully woke military.” The Wagner troops would be charged with forming an elite corps of “enforcers” that “would ensure complete compliance with all executive priorities by whatever means necessary.” Trump said he had already ordered thirty thousand brown shirts for their uniforms that would feature red armbands emblazoned with a billy club crossed with a golf club. “We’re done with the ultra-liberal agitators and the left wing socialist troublemakers,” Trump said.

The president announced he would immediately commence the demolition of the entire National Mall, including all museums and monuments, to make way for a state- of-the-art 18 hole golf course but promised to keep the Washington Monument intact. It will be renamed, “Donald J. Trump Monument” since “Washington was an amateur compared to me.” He added with a wink that its unique shape would be “a reminder to all those hot babes I invite to the White House of what’s in store for them.”

“Why should I have to schlep all the way to Ashburn to play a round when I can step right outside my front door?” asked Trump, who added, “Just think of how much that will save the taxpayers in gas money for all those SUVS they need for my motorcade.”

Trump vowed to pull out of NATO, defund the FBI, ban LGTB+ people from the military, terminate military aid to Ukraine, (“That Zelinsky wouldn’t play ball,” Trump complained, “so why should I help him?”) and to remove by fiat the three liberal Supreme Court Justices, replacing them with Rudy Giuliani, Sydney Powell and John Eastman –“constitutional scholars all,” declared Trump.

Warrants for the arrest of Hillary Clinton and five hundred other top Democrats labeled by Trump as “enemies of the state” were issued at which point former president Biden was removed from the platform by armed guards “That’s right,” said Trump, “get that bum out of here.” The crowd chanted “lock him up.” Biden was taken to an undisclosed location, sources claim the Guantanamo detention center, where he will share a cell with his son, Hunter.

Trump apologized for his wife’s absence from the event, but promised that Melania would join him in Washington to direct the redecoration of the White House and make it “as tasteful as the lobby in Mar-a-la-go.” The Resolute desk in the oval office is to be replaced by a solid gold triple-wide throne upholstered in red velvet and ermine trim.

After the conclusion of the address, Trump proceeded by motorcade to the White House where a lunch of burnt steak, fries, diet coke and a triple portion of ice cream awaited.

It was not immediately known if ketchup would be placed on the presidential table.