Heeeere’s Tommy!

Hey, ya’ll. This is Tommy Tuberville, the Senator from sweet home Alabama, where mamas love their little boys so much they keep calling us by our kiddie names our whole lives. You know, like Jimmy, Johnny, Ronny, Bobby, Sonny, Billy, Stevie, Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey…

Actually, I was born and raised in Arkansas, but I ran for the seat in Alabama because, if you can believe it, the average IQ there is even lower than it is in Arkansas. Arkansan voters’ average IQ, according to scientists, doesn’t even have a number. They classify it as “dumber than dirt.”

My election, unlike the ones the democrats have won, was completely fair and honest.

People give President Trump, (who, by the way, is still president as far as I’m concerned. I voted to overturn that crooked election and against forming the treasonous January 6 commission), well, they give Mr. Trump credit for my win. He actually didn’t know a thing about me except that I wasn’t Jeff Sessions. After loving Sessions for years, Mr. Trump decided to hate him. But he had good reason to. After the president gave him his cushy job, Sessions had the nerve to recuse himself from the phony Russian interference investigation and appointed Mueller. Mueller’s investigation was a complete sham and found no wrong doing on the president’s part. That would be clear if you could read under all the black lines Bill Barr drew on the Mueller Report. Bill was kind enough to sum it all up for us. Absolutely no wrong doing on the part of the president. As usual.

Yessir, Mr. Trump and I, why, we are goober peas in a pod. Like him, I’m a winner. Just look at my coaching record. 159 wins, 99 losses. And what could qualify a person for the Senate better than having a P.E degree and spending most of their life coaching football?

We also are both great with money. Other people’s that is. About 10 years ago, I went in 50-50 in TS Capital Management (we called it that because when the investors lost all their money, we told them “TS”) with David Stroud. Dave was big at Lehman Brothers investments when they went belly up. Folks say he personally set off the 2008 financial crisis. Naturally, I figured “what could go wrong?” When Dave up and misplaced $5.2 million in investor money? Why, you could have knocked me over with a feather. They said he was running a ponzi scheme, whatever the heck that is, and he went to jail. Even though investors sued me for losing $2.5 million of their dough, being a football legend in a football crazy state I didn’t get indicted. I settled. That proves I wasn’t guilty of any wrongdoing.

President Trump and I even run our foundations and charities the same way. The Tuberville Foundation that I started to help servicemen and vets and to “prevent health issues” (such as abortions) in women raised $289,658. I spent all of $51,658 on its beneficiaries. Hey the hundreds columns matched up, didn’t they? I also raised $61 thousand for vets in 2018 and gave out $20 thousand of it. These foundations don’t run themselves. I got expenses to meet, ya know.

Thanks to my stellar investing experience I voted against banning lawmakers from trading in stocks. Like I said, that’s ridiculous. How can anyone imagine people of quality like our law makers would ever abuse our positions for financial gain? And don’t believe those clowns at “Business Insider” who said I violated the Stock Act, whatever that is, 182 times.

It’s the Democrats who are fiscally corrupt and pro-crime. Like I’ve said, they want to take what you’ve got and give reparations to the Blacks. I say, hey, look at the facts, call a spade a spade if you know what I mean. Them people live in crime infested cities so they’re all criminals. The NAACP had the nerve to call me “flat out racist, ignorant and sickening” over saying that. Can you believe it?

Truth is, just like President Trump, I don’t have a racist bone in my body. I don’t get all this uproar about “White Nationalists.” I mean, White people made this country great, so what’s wrong with being White? I don’t even call them White Nationalists like Biden does. I just call them “Americans.” Why? Simply because they are the only real Americans. Excepting for Italians and Jews who aren’t really White. And, you know, just because Whites happen to be superior to all other races (it isn’t their fault, it’s God’s Divine Will), doesn’t make them, or me, racists. All this hullabaloo about White Nationalists in the military is a democrat scam. I assure you there is not one White Nationalist in our great armed forces –which is too bad. They’d be greater if there was and we got all those wimpy woke people out.

I’m so committed to keeping our armed forces the greatest in the world that I singlehandedly held up hundreds of military promotions, the highest ranks, and, thanks to me, the Marine Corps has no leader. Why? Because the woke military lets servicewomen get abortions. People say I’m putting national security at risk, but I’m a man of principle and the Lord told me one unborn child’s life is worth more than any old national security any day.

And don’t you go paying no mind to that brother, Charles, of mine saying all those nasty things like he’s “compelled to distance” himself from me because of my “ignorant rants and hateful rhetoric.”

He’s just jealous that I got on this gravy train they call the Senate and he didn’t and because Mama loves me more since she didn’t call him by “Charlie.”

Well, folks, it feels good to set the record straight, but I gotta get back to work. Sometimes I wish I was in the House where they’re doing the critical business of investigating the FBI and Hunter and Joe and defunding the IRS, but it’s good to know I’m holding up my end in the Senate.

Literally holding it up, that is, from accomplishing any of Biden’s woke agenda. Then, we’ll run on the platform that his administration was a total failure.

(Right after I take credit for the big bucks Alabama gets from that socialistic ripoff of taxpayer funds called the infrastructure bill, that is.)