“God Given” Rights

Yo, God!

Here’s a little joke to spice up Your day.

A rabbi and a priest are lunching together. The priest bites into his ham sandwich.

“Rabbi, have you ever tasted ham?” he asks.

“What? Are you kidding? You know it’s a sin for a Jew to eat pork.”

“Yes, but you really don’t know what you’re missing.”

“So tell me, Father, have you ever experienced carnal love?”

“Never! You know I can’t do that.”

“Trust me,” says the rabbi, “It’s better than ham.”

Now here’s the thing. These guys both worship the same God. You.

No offense, but what kind of a cockamamie God decides it’s OK for a rabbi to have sex and not OK for him to eat pork while a priest is forbidden sex but can consume pigs?

The thing that makes a God worthy of worship is that He, She or It is supposed to be perfect. You? Perfect? You can’t even get your own rules straight.

Make up Your mind already! This situation is ruining Your image. People might think You’re a joker. Or worse, have multiple personality disorder. Your ratings are going down the tubes. Have You noticed forty percent, and rising, of Americans have rejected organized religion? If that troubles You, I’d humbly suggest You start over and give every religion the exact same set of rules. Not only would that clear things up, but maybe it would put a stop to the bickering that’s been going on forever over whose religion is the “true one.”

If You’re all You’re cracked up to be, You’re too smart and all-powerful to make a rookie mistake like giving each tribe different rules that pit them against each other. Unless You wanted to make them into enemies. For what? So they could entertain You by smiting one another on Your behalf? If that’s the case, maybe that makes the people who say it’s their “God given right” to walk around with machine guns, I hate to say it, right.

Hello! There’s this great invention called TV. If You’re looking for some good violent viewing options, how about subscribing to Netflix? I know, I know, You don’t have money. Fine. I’ll pay for Your smart TV and your Netflix subscription. Just meet me at midnight on the bike trail. It’s a nice private spot at that hour. Unless the drug dealers are making a drop. Maybe you can dust off your old burning bush costume. I’ll hand the cash right over, no questions asked.

Now listen, Big Guy, and strike me down if I’m offending you, but I’m starting to wonder if people made up the rules then pinned the rap on You. That would explain all these conflicting religious rules as merely irrational beliefs and opinions. In a rational world opinions don’t exempt an individual from complying with secular laws that exist for the common good. Suppose I started a religion that forbade paying taxes. Would the Court exempt me? Of course not. I’m not rich enough to have that right.

Just in case you have not noticed, however, this world is far from rational. Don’t look at us. You’re the one who put the human brain together. With rubber bands, bubblegum and tape it seems. I hope Your your craftsmanship has improved since you made us and the next “intelligent” life form you replace us with is actually intelligent. Oh. And maybe You should speed up the timetable on that project. That would totally solve the problem.

In the meantime, though, it might help if You appeared before the masses. Flood the social media. Tell everyone that the fundamentalist extremists bringing cases to the Supreme Court that claim secular laws that don’t conform to their version of “Your” laws and violate their “God given” Constitutional right to “freely practice” their religion actually made the rules up themselves.

However you do it, though, if You’re as smart and powerful as people say You are and really love all Your children equally, you must agree it’s time for You to impose a uniform code. But it has to come directly from the top. You have to stop using middlemen who claim to speak for you. And if, for Your own mysterious reasons, You insist every religion has to have its own rules, at least give us one–verifiable–God given right. The right not to have one group’s arbitrary rules shoved down our throats.

If You’re actually there, isn’t it high time You talked some sense into us?

You know I don’t ask for much. I don’t usually trouble You with thoughts and prayers. Obviously, You’re too busy to answer them. But this is different.

Come on, God, Help us out a little here, will Ya’? Get up off Your throne, take a quick trip to Earth and set us all straight. Once and for all.