Making Peace With Weapons of War

You mean to say you’re still upset about all the shootings? Finding thinking and praying’s taking up all your time and you’re still behind?

This may sound insensitive and callous, but, really people, can’t you just get used to it already?

I don’t know about you, but whenever I see the news about the most recent shooting, which is like every day, I know I should be upset, but mostly my reaction is “Ho hum, another one. Same old same old”.

No wonder so many people are tuning their sets to British baking shows. (By the by, the British have, for some unfathomable reason, banned guns, so they can bake and play croquet and do whatever dull things they spend their time on without worrying about being shot.)

Can’t the news outlets just tell us the daily total and skip all the gory details? “Same old shooting story today in Cleveland, death count five. And now let’s turn to Lana with the weather.”

Since we’re stuck with the gun mayhem, let’s at least turn it to some useful purpose. Remember that show Jerry Lewis used to host on some holiday weekend when he kept telling us the traffic death tally? (Then you must be a really old coot.) Well, anyhow, some smart aleck quipped that Jerry was actually a cheerleader for car accidents. Like, “only three thousand deaths to go to break the record. So get out there and drive folks.”

Haven’t you had enough of gun groundhog day? Really, there are so many other more newsworthy things to focus on. If we have to be stuck hearing about the shootings, let’s at least do something to make them interesting.

Maybe we can create a national lottery where you guess the total shooting deaths for the day. The lucky winner gets a nice shiny semi-automatic with a hundred round clip. Perfect for deer hunting.

Listen, you don’t hand out weapons of war like candy and expect that nobody is going to kill anybody with them. If Ukraine had as many weapons as the residents of West Virginia do, Zelensky would have been sitting in the Kremlin swilling down Putin’s personal stash of vodka by now. How about each of you proud gun owners donating one of your many AR-15s to Ukraine? Or better yet, go over there and shoot Russians to your hearts’ content. Take your whole arsenal with you. Take the whole family for that matter. I’ll gladly drive you to the airport.

It’s time to stop knocking guns. They’re a fast, simple way to solve disputes. I once had a neighbor with a yapping dog who was kept out in their backyard all day. Whenever I tried to take a little snooze on my back deck, there was this mutt yapping away. Respectful requests for relief fell on deaf ears. (They must have been deaf or they would have shot the dog themselves.) I can’t tell you how many times I fantasized about popping that little bugger. Back in those days, neighborly disputes usually wound up at a stalemate. You just fumed, but what could you do? Well, in today’s new normal, not only would a gun solve the problem but who’d notice if someone (not me–just sayin’,) were to have rid the neighborhood of one noisy little pooch? Or even of its owners? Maybe some people would be upset for a day or so, but, as with all the other shootings, they’d soon forget it and move on to the next incident.

Gun ownership, which naturally leads to gun use, is a God given right, right? So it’s a sacrilege, after we’ve spent all that hard earned dough, to let them sit there and do nothing.

Waste not want not, I say. Would you buy a fancy sports car and let it sit in your garage? Never drive it? I knew a guy who did just that. Repeatedly. What a waste. He should have careened around the suburban streets at mach 3 and got his money’s worth. Like hot cars, weapons of war are ultra-sexy and they were made for a purpose. They need to be used, or what’s the point of owning them? Oh, you say, we could keep them around “just in case.” Like if a Black kid knocks on the door or a six-year old’s basketball rolls into our yard. Get real. You can deal with those little annoyances in a civil way. With a plain old revolver.

What you need the AR-15s for is in case you have to overturn the socialist, deep state, ultra-woke government or if a platoon of armed IRS agents descends on your house. Or protect local businesses from antifa demonstrations. Stuff like that.

A word of advice to you bleeding hearts who still have a problem with weapons: Stock up, stand back and stand by. Keep those babies locked (but not locked up) and loaded.

Let’s all save ourselves a lot of aggravation and make peace with gun violence. As they say in AA, “Lord give me the serenity to accept what I can’t change, courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Since obviously nothing is going to change, I choose to wise up and be serene.

Face it. Nothing will change the gun “problem” in this country short of prying the guns out of the cold dead fingers of the owners.

And, hey, all of you who call yourselves anti-gun, admit it. That solution does have a certain appeal to it, doesn’t it?

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