School Days

Today was my best day at Donald J Trump High since I came here from Donald J Trump Middle School. I finished the first page of our class’s illuminated manuscript of the Gospel According to Mark. With the whole school working on it, we should have the New Testament done within a year. The Old Testament is pretty long and has a lot of boring stuff in it about the Jews, so we’re just focusing on the scientific part of it. Genesis, up to the big flood and how the dinosaurs got left behind. The project is so efficient and cost effective. It combines history, science, penmanship, spelling, reading and art classes into one three hour block.

Using the Bible as our only textbook makes good sense. It contains the sum total of all human knowledge. It should. It was written in the original English by God, Himself. What could be more authoritative? Since we fired the librarians and banned all the other books, we’ve saved enough money to fund our missions all over the world and bring the blessings of the one true faith and the American way it’s founded on to all heathen nations. Like Canada and France.

It’s so convenient to have the answer to every question in one book. Today we learned the Earth is the center of the universe. Everything revolves around us. God loves us so much that He created zillions of stars and planets just so we can gaze out upon them and ponder His immense power. He chose Earth as the only planet that has life on it and spends all His time caring about us, only us, and listening to our prayers. If He chooses not to answer them, we can be certain it’s for a higher plan that only He understands.

I guess my prom invite to Mary Ellen didn’t fit with His great plan. Oh well. Good to know it has nothing to do with my acne. I have to admit, I sometimes get frustrated when I pray for it to clear up and it doesn’t. I mean, how can having a good complexion upset the balance of the universe? When they say God’s eternal plan is a mystery they really mean it. Sometimes I get lustful thoughts about Mary Ellen, but I perform self-flagellation and resist the sin of masturbation. Since, praise God, they criminalized all birth control, not just abortion, we have to be pure and chaste. At least we’re supposed to be.

The fact that I don’t get to see her too much makes it a little easier to abstain. The girls are in a different wing of the school learning cooking, home economics, flower arranging, child rearing skills and other stuff that women are supposed to do. Why waste taxpayers’ money teaching them academics if they are only going be mothers and housekeepers?

American History has been upgraded to American Studies. It dispels all the lies in the history books and says America has always been the best at everything. It’s the most fair, just and beautiful place on Earth. Our Republican politicians are the most intelligent, honest, hard working people we could ever elect. American Studies explains why God intended America to be a White Christian nation, which now, praise God, it is once again.

We don’t study civics. So boring. Who needs to know the three branches of government, whatever they were, now that Donald J Trump is president forever and has abolished Congress? The Christian Tribunal, that’s the new name for the Supreme Court, went totally originalist and replaced the Constitution with the Bible. All except the second amendment part since bearing arms is our most important God given right. After all, God ordains we smite his enemies. You all know who they are. Anyhow, what good are the guns if you don’t use them? It’s too bad so many people get shot, but as long as we keep sending thoughts and prayers, we know we’re doing our best to solve the problem. We all bring our AR-15s to class just in case. After mid-morning prayers we have daily practice at the shooting range. The Tribunal also preserved the part about having religious freedom. That lets us ignore any laws that infringe on practicing our faith. The rest of the Constitution–whatever it is– was deservedly expunged.

Sadly, the greatest president in history passed during his third term, but they keep his beautiful, genius brain alive in a bell jar. It’s hooked up to a hologram generating computer so he still can appear on TV and at his rallies. They keep a TV tuned to Fox next to the jar to keep him fully informed with balanced and accurate news. They also sometimes treat him to Rush Limbaugh reruns. Just to show how incredible the president is, even with his current restrictions he still wins the Mar-a-lago golf championship every year. His only gripes are that he can’t actually feel the women when he grabs them and has to settle for virtual ice cream.

With all those atheistic, socialist, pedophilic Democrat politicians safely behind bars and their party and all other parties abolished we’ve stopped wasting millions on political campaigns and elections. Now the big corporations can use all their profits to pay their CEOs and shareholders instead of paying taxes and funding politicians. That gives them more money to buy their yachts and vacation islands which trickles down to the workers who are generously paid minimum wage. Who needs taxes? We did away with the whole federal bureaucracy and its wasteful social programs and handouts.

Some people still think global warming is man made. So what if it is? Think positive. A lot of places that were landlocked are now beach resorts and everyone lives in a tropical paradise. Except the ones in deserts. The school district has installed a new air conditioning system in our building now that the average daytime winter temperatures are 115. They built a sea wall around the town twenty feet high, so the ocean doesn’t flood in like it used to. It doubles as a barrier to illegal immigrants. Climate change? Who cares? Things are better now than they ever were. God is in his Heaven and all’s well with the world. If He hadn’t wanted there to be climate change He would have fixed it by now.

Science class is a blast and so easy. No more genes, evolution and relativity. It’s simple. God made everything. Every plant, animal and, of course, his crowning achievement, us, at the same time.

Math is a bit of a drag, though. We still have to learn algebra. Praise God everything beyond plane geometry has been done away with. Now that we know the Earth is flat, that’s all the higher math we need.

No more of that “grooming” for us students. We learn only the facts. There are only two sexes, marriage is between one man and one woman who are, by law, the same race. Women are for serving men and breeding only. The White race has always been kind to N –oops, I mean, colored people— even though we are so superior to them. Heck, we gave the Africans steady work, health care and Christianity (Our minister says it’s OK to let colored people be Christians because Heaven is segregated.)

The Indians? Well, God commanded us by divine providence to go forth to populate and despoil this land. Obviously we needed to get them out of the way. If they have any complaints, they clearly do not comprehend the mysterious purpose God has entrusted to the White race who were created in his image. Disagree? Just look at all the paintings of God and Jesus by the greatest artists and tell me they aren’t White.

Well, there’s the bell. Gotta get home. Don’t want to miss the family prayer service and Mom’s famous tuna casserole and jello mold. We’ll spend the evening watching Fox news, reading verses from the Bible and singing hymns. Good wholesome family time is back, praise Jesus. Got to get to bed early. Pre-class matin services start at 3am.

Until then, God bless you, God bless America and God bless our troops.