Pity Poor Donald

I feel obligated to stand up for our beleaguered ex-president. It’s unconscionable that the January 6 committee is blaming him for everything. Don’t they realize he’s the victim? His life has been one victimization after another.

When he was a little tyke, which psychologically he still is, he was, in the words of family members,”very energetic.” All that energy had to be released, and how else could he release it other than by throwing tantrums and food all over the place?

Having a big shot daddy who was a first class jerk put Donald behind the eight ball from birth. Donald, as sons are wont to do, looked up to Dad, and did his best to emulate him. How could he know criminality wasn’t normal behavior? Cursed to be the third son, he was not destined to take over the family business. Poor Donnie would actually need to get a job. “Not many sons have been able to escape their fathers,” said Donald.

He may or may not have wanted to escape Dad, but Dad sure wanted to escape him. He sent that sweet, tender 13 year old to military school. The first of many betrayals. On the positive side, it gave the maid time to wash the ketchup stains off of the dining room walls. It worked for a while, but ultimately didn’t help. Donald loved the military part of school. The academics? How boring. He already knew more than the teachers. He was devastated when the worst case of heel spurs in medical history scuttled his plans to fight for our country in Viet Nam.

Since Daddy Trump had very large hands, Donald suffered from a serious Oedipal complex but never got the therapy he needed. What shrink in his right mind (if there is such a thing) would ever take him on as a patient? Yes, Donald was also victimized by my profession. Given that Donald already is a “stable genius” just think of what he might have achieved had he benefitted from competent mental health care? He’d have been the most stable person and the greatest genius in history for sure and won the Noble (sic) Prize for stable geniusness.

Donnie never did get over his competition with Daddy, but that didn’t stop him from climbing the ladder of success from Dad’s shoulders. Papa Trump greased the palms of many politicians to get Donnie plum deals at taxpayer expense. Maybe he figured if he just helped the lad succeed in something, anything, he’d have him out of his hair. Fat chance. When Donnie wound up at least $650 million in debt over his gambling casinos, Daddy made a “loan” of $3 million in casino chips. He would have been better off using the chips at a casino. Donnie blew that cash and proceeded to go into bankruptcy. Over and over again. Poor Donnie. He was forced to bilk even his own father. Imagine how his every waking hour is tormented by guilt.

Poor little Donnie had to sell his yacht and his airline company to pay those greedy creditors. He had no toys to play with, so he started playing with Marla Maples. Can you blame him? Ivana (God rest her soul) was working on her third facelift and her boobs were starting to droop. He lavished the same high praise on Marla that he bestowed on his own daughter: “A great piece of ass.” Poor Donnie had no choice but to cheat. He was bewitched and seduced. All his heroic efforts at resistance were dashed by the wiles of that sly siren.

He started a university and a charitable fund that people unfairly claimed were scams. Scams? Didn’t he do a great service to his students by demonstrating how the school of hard knocks works? And the charity? Hey, charity begins at home. So he took the money to his house. What’s wrong with that?

Through no fault of his own, Donnie never made a profit from business, but he made up for it by not paying any taxes. Just to show how perfect his tax returns were, the IRS, who can spot a tax cheat when they see one, never came up with anything despite years of auditing. This, much to his disappointment, prevented Donnie from making his tax returns public.

After suffering decades of undeserved setbacks, Donnie finally hit on the greatest idea in history. If he couldn’t be a success in real life, he could pretend to be one on a TV show. He played the role of a smart, successful, tough leader on “The Apprentice.” As usual, the public believed what they saw on TV more than they believed the public record of his life. That, unfortunately, would have required reading. Even if they knew how to read, how could they find the time when they were so busy watching the TV show?

Finally Donnie got some respect. Take that, Daddy Trump. The show leveraged seamlessly into the presidency where Donnie continued playing the same role for the next 4 years. Just look at his accomplishments and tell me he wasn’t the greatest president in history. He gave the fat cats a much needed tax break, talked tough to Iran who just went on kept purifying uranium, talked tough to North Korea who just went on testing ICBMs and spent billions on a few miles of big beautiful wall that for some reason didn’t stop the invasion of rapists and drug dealers. His greatest achievement by far, though, the one that will catapult the nation into the thirteenth century, was to appoint three brilliant and impartial Justices. Not only do they all believe in witchcraft, they interpret the Constitution as originalists. This means they come up with the most original interpretations of it imaginable. So in tune are they with the intent of the Founders, that every policy they personally endorse fits exactly with what those great White Christian men intended for posterity. In a nut shell, that all (White Christian) men are equal. Especially the rich ones. Not White? Not male? Not Christian? Not rich? Tough nuggies.

Further evidence of his greatness was the masterful job Donald did on behalf of his new daddy role model, Vladimir Putin. Putin did his best to get Donnie re-elected knowing Donnie would continue screwing over that den of corruption, Ukraine. Rest assured, had the election not been stolen due to the biggest election fraud in history, Vlad would now be dining on chicken Kiev in downtown Kyiv.

Owing to concerns it will spark a civil war, it’s highly doubtful that Donnie will face prosecution due to the January 6 witch hunt. That bogus investigation is (like all the others he had to to endure) the most tainted one in history. Even if the politically motivated allegations are true, all the guy did was lead an armed insurrection against the government. I’m sure you agree law enforcement should be reserved for really serious crimes. Like if a Black guy is stopped for a busted taillight and they find a half ounce of pot in his car.

Despite the absence of any evidence that Donald had anything to do with January 6, should the injustice of an indictment somehow come to pass, I hope the members of the jury remember one truth. It wasn’t his fault. Nothing ever was. His victimhood surpasses all the victim-hoods in history. Even more tragic than that of Oedipus, himself.

Take pity on poor Donald. He was just trying to live up to Dad. In some ways he didn’t but, at least in one respect, he succeeded resoundingly. He can take satisfaction in the knowledge that he will be remembered as the greatest con-man in history.

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