Revised Common Sense Gun Laws

About a year ago I wrote a blog titled “Real Common Sense Gun Laws.” If you haven’t read it, don’t bother. I’ve had an epiphany. Republicans are absolutely correct. Guns are not the problem. Never have been, never will be.

We have it on the highest authority. Since God chooses to speak only to ultra-conservative Christian Republicans and His thinking is invariably in accord with theirs, we have to believe them when they say gun possession is a God given right.

I’m told God made a visit to Philadelphia during the Constitutional Convention and cracked the Liberty Bell with a bolt of lightening to remind the Framers that freedom needs protection. Being omniscient, He predicted AR-15s would be invented some day. He commanded that every red blooded American old enough to lift one should be entitled to own as many as they could get their hands on. Why? The British might come back and attack the Capitol Building. Worse, if Democrats won an election, those red blooded Americans would have to attack it themselves.

Let us heed the Lord’s Word. It’s a sacrilege to even suggest possession of weapons of war should be banned. Blessedly, given the millions of weapons already out there, it wouldn’t make a rat’s hindquarters of difference if they were.

I have seen the light! We’ve been looking at the gun problem bassackwards. The duty of the government is not to limit our right to bear arms, but to insure unlimited access and freedom to carry at all times. Sure, there will be a little collateral damage in the form of dead school kids and the like, but, hey, freedom isn’t free.

Since the lives of gun owners revolve around their cherished weapons, everything should revolve around their guns.

Here are some statistics I found from the National Institute of Justice ( with “justice” in their name, they must be reliable.)

Of all mass shootings in the US, historically the largest percentage of incidents (30.8%) have been in the workplace. This is followed by retail establishments (16.9%), bars and restaurants (13.4%), outdoor settings (8.1%), residential locations, (8.1%), K-12 schools (7.6%), places of worship (6.4%), institutes of higher learning (5.2%) and government and civic venues (3.5%).

If we mandate all businesses to function remotely from home, we eliminate a third of all shootings. Since 8.1 percent of shootings happen in residential locations, working at home seems risky. But the shootings would happen there anyway since most people still prefer to sleep in a house rather than on a park bench. Park benches are actually just as dangerous since shootings outdoors are as common as those in the home, 8.1% in either case. Stick to one or the other, because if you split your time between indoors and outdoors the risk doubles.

If everyone ordered all consumer goods online, by phone or by mail, we’d eliminate in-store shopping. (Plus reduce gasoline use saving money and the planet at the same time. Not that it needs saving according to Republicans but I’m just sayin’.) There goes another 17%. Ban indoor dining and, bingo, you eliminate 13.4%. (But if you dine at an outdoor table, add 8.1%. So stick to takeout.)

So far, without impinging the unlimited God given right to bear arms, we have eliminated about 61% of all shootings. But why stop there? Schools and colleges make up 13% of shootings. We already know how to teach online, so let’s eliminate in-person schooling. Added bonus: We’d save a bundle on building upkeep, utilities and staffing.

Places of worship? I know that’s a toughie. Just remember God is everywhere. Your thoughts and prayers for the victims, as for everything else, need not be uttered in a church in order for God to ignore them.

George Carlin explained why God never answers our thoughts and prayers about gun deaths or much of anything else. The Bible says God rests on the 7th day, the very day we are disturbing Him with all the off-key singing, bloviating and loud praying. If you were God and had to contend with this racket on your day off, admit it, you’d be so annoyed you wouldn’t answer prayers either. Let the Dude sleep in. If you must pray, pray at home at a more convenient time for the Almighty. You have to be home sometimes. The risk is not increased by praying at home, but avoiding church eliminates another 6.4%.

We are left with government and civic sites. Clearly the government is corrupt just like elections, the lame-stream press, woke, CRT, Hillary’s pedophilic pizza shop ring, and, as the great stateswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene told us, mind control microchips grown in Covid vaccine peach tree dishes and Jews who cause wildfires with space lasers. So who needs government buildings? We eliminate a neat little 3.5% when we shut them down. Alternatively, if you have unavoidable business at one of them, take comfort that you are safer there than in your home.

Full disclosure: I found another site that claimed 61% of shootings occur in the home. The disparity between these two sites is beyond me. On the other hand, judging by my own home life, despite the fact that my marriage is one of eternal bliss, when I commit some unforgivable gaff such as loading the dishwasher the wrong way or leaving the toilet seat up, I am very glad we do not own a gun. If being home is really so dangerous, I’ll leave my condo, sleep on a park bench and spend my days in government buildings. Probably my wife would appreciate it.

I’d suggest, however, that we go with the numbers from the Justice people. These predict that if we apply my revised common sense measures we will reduce the risk of gun violence by over 84%. If only we didn’t have to be either indoors or outdoors we could eliminate it completely, but, as I said previously, if we choose to remain either inside or outside all the time there goes another 8.1%. And there you have it. We will have eliminated 92% of shootings.

Ninety-two percent! What more could those Godless, lily livered, tree hugging, hybrid driving liberals ask for? Those Covid-phobic crybabies followed most of these measures and wore oppressive masks to boot. I know, I know. That all infringed on our God given freedoms and was completely unwarranted. On the positive side they did demonstrate it’s doable for a good purpose. What better purpose can there be than to preserve our precious right to bear arms?

Clearly there’s no need to ban guns. If we just ban everything else, nobody will get hurt.

3 Comments

  1. Norman, I love all your commentaries but this one especially resonated with me. Kudos for satirically pointing out the absurd “logic” of gun rights advocates. You have my heart!

    Like

  2. Yes, let’s all curl into the fetal position at home for safety, uncurling only to lean out the window and shoot anyone who looks dangerous before running very fast to the store and shooting a few more people before coming home with the groceries.

    Like

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