Fetushood

Oh boy! It’s a hot time in the old uterus tonight.

When we heard Mom screaming “rape,” all us eggs started pushing and shoving for a prime position. And here they come, swimming up the tube! That one has my name written all over him. Just look at that whip kick!

Hey, big boy, over here! Man, you got one nice stroke.

Ever since the Lord selected my disembodied soul for ovum-hood, right after He created the universe, I knew I’d go all the way. Now’s my time. Won’t be long until I’m fertilized. According to the new Oklahoma law, as soon as that sperm hits, I’ll be a full fledged person invested with all the Constitutional rights thereof. Just like a corporation. Too bad I don’t have a bank account yet or I’d be sending out my MAGA campaign contributions as we speak.

Of course us fetuses aren’t even mentioned in the Constitution, but what does the Constitution have to do with anything these days? Those wily Republicans and the latest crew they packed into the Court are just what we fetuses have been praying for. I doubt there’s been a more right wing, hyper-religious Court since the Spanish Inquisition. They could just as well have appointed the Pope, a cardinal and a TV evangelist. That new trio along with Alito and Thomas (can’t be sure if it’s Clarence or Ginni writing the opinions) can make up anything that fits with their ultra-Christian value system and claim it was the Founders’ original idea. Conveniently, you can’t bring them back to ask them what they meant by what they never said.

Thank you MAGA Republicans. I’ll vote for your guys by mail from the womb. After all, since I’ll already be a full fledged human as soon as I’m a two celled one, by the time I have a heartbeat they should have the voting rules fixed in the red states so that fetal citizens can register, right? At least as long as they’re White.

I know Mom isn’t too happy right now, but she’ll get over it. Like the scriptures say, Fallopians 25:15: “And what beith Woman but the Lord’s craven vessel that bringeth forth the lives whom He hath pre-ordained?”

Don’t judge the rapist. You wouldn’t want him to spill his seed on the ground. That would violate scriptures, so he has to violate some lucky woman who will now be blessed with motherhood. If he doesn’t rape Mom, he’s in for a bad case of blue balls. You call delivering a baby painful? Now scrotal engorgement, that’s real pain. I’ve been told it can be fatal.

But that’s neither here nor there. You see, God decided umpteen billion years ago that I was going to be the spawn of the rapist and Mom when she turned 13. They were born because God pre-ordained them, and so-on and so-on all the way back to when He created Adam and Eve naked and told them not to do the deed. Great reverse psychology. And don’t ask why God wanted rapists and murderers and crooked politicians and nonviable fetuses and ones with severe congenital defects to be conceived in the first place. The grand plan of the Almighty is not for us to understand. Or maybe it’s so complex with all these pairings to line up, he couldn’t keep track of it Himself. Whatever. As long as it all led to moi, I say “thanks, God.”

Life outside the womb is going to be such a blast. That is, if Mom can get any formula for me. The Republicans just voted against Biden’s plan to ramp up production, but I’m sure it’s all in my best interest. Just like the climate disaster, war, plagues and famine I’ll face all my life. And those things are nothing compared with high gas prices.

Let’s think happy thoughts instead. I just can’t wait until I get my first semi-automatic rifle. With Dad’s sociopathic genes, I’ll probably find a good use for it. Yep, all my criminal genes will already qualify me as a MAGA Republican, fit to serve in Congress. Who knows? They say anyone can grow up to be President. DJT certainly proved them right, didn’t he?

I just hope Mom doesn’t do something stupid and risk imprisonment for crossing state lines to get a legal abortion. Not likely since she can’t afford to travel, but you never know. Hang in there, Mom, pregnancy is going to be a blast. And delivery? Such a thrill. Think of the video you can livestream. The men are all envious that they can’t have that wonderful experience like you can. And, as far as school goes, a career, all that stuff? Forget it. It’s about time we got up-to-date like the Taliban. Those guys know what a woman’s place is.

So Mom, settle down and have a nice nine months. No use crying over spilled milk (or should I say, seed? Bada-boom!! Man, I just crack me up.) Give a person a little peace and quiet. Even though I’m already a full fledged human I got a lot of cell divisions ahead of me. So, please, just shut up and do the job God created you for.

Yep, that’s right. He’s already wiggled his way in. Hello, Hermie Spermie. Glad we ran into each other. Ready to take a little trip? Alright. Here we go floating down the canal. Now we’re a blastosphere and into the open ocean. Uterine wall at ten o’clock to starboard. Adjusting course and preparing to dock. And….5,4,3,2,1…. attached. All systems go. All we gotta do now is hang out here, let Mom do her thing and hope we don’t end up on the wrong end of a coat hanger.