The Big Game

“What a game this has been, Mark. The clock is winding down as the Elephants lead 10 to three. The lone score for the Donkeys was an unimaginable 83 yard field goal late in the first quarter by veteran kicker Pelosi. More incredible since she was wearing her stiletto heels. She just barely cleared the crossbar from her own 33 yard line. The ball hit the right upright, caroming over to the left one, bouncing off it toward the center and dribbling over the crossbar. It took the referees ten minutes to finally get their hands in the air to indicate the kick was good after the Elephants’ cheerleaders jumped on them and pinned their arms behind their backs.”

“That’s right, Kevin.” “The Elephants scored early, once even before the opening kickoff, with a touchdown on an easy pass from McConnell to Hawkins who had claimed the coin toss was rigged. While the officials were examining the ceremonial coin, McConnell hurried the Elephants’ offense on to the field while the Donkeys were still on their sideline arguing over last minute game strategy. The officials ruled the play a peaceful protest, so they allowed it. The Elephants’ field goal came on a try from ten yards out a few minutes later. The kick initially appeared to be blocked, but the Elephants claimed the referees had blinked and missed seeing the ball go over the uprights. League Chairman Roberts called for an impartial review and co-commissioners, Barrett, Kavanaugh, Alito and Thomas ruled the kick good. Three points went up on the board with no protest from the fans who had been watching a continuous deep fake replay loop on the stadium screens that indeed showed the ball clearing the goal post.

“So, here we are, late in the fourth quarter. The Donkeys, trailing by seven, have the ball, first and goal on the Elephants’ five yard line with 1:59 left on the clock. They need a touchdown here to ensure carbon neutrality by 2050. If they don’t cross the goal line and make the two point conversion to win the game, all human life will perish by the next century. The social safety net bill, the voting rights bill, and vaccination mandates to bring the Covid pandemic in the US under control won’t happen either.”

“Exactly, Mark. There’s certainly a lot riding on this game and Donkey fans are getting restless as they see their team on the verge of elimination after having started the season with such high hopes.

“If the Elephants stop them here, they may reactivate their veteran quarterback, Trump. He spent the last four seasons practicing his putt on the fifty yard line, telling everyone what a great passing record he was compiling, selling team hats to the fans and pulling in millions from endorsements and some other side businesses. He proclaimed his team the winners of every game, sparing them the trouble of playing any.”

“True Kevin. This may be the last shot the Donkeys ever get to make it to the playoffs. And here we go. Biden lines up behind Sinema and takes the snap. He hands it off to Manchin who ignores a huge hole on the left side and goes right where he plows into a wall of Elephants for no gain. Second and goal. The clock still moving. The Donkeys with the hurry up play. Biden calls the automatic. He drops back. The center of the pocket is collapsing but he gets off the pass just as he gets slammed by Elephant linebacker McCarthy. Schumer has two steps on Cruz in the end zone. Here comes the ball and……..What a play! Cruz flings himself at Schumer’s foot and trips him just before the ball reaches his outstretched hands. Still flat on his back, Schumer is waving his hands in the air and calling for a flag from the ref who was standing five feet from the play. The ref ignores him and walks over toward the Elephants’ sideline. Now he’s holding out his hand to their owner, Charlie Koch, who puts something in it. Schumer limps back to the huddle still gesticulating at the ref.”

“Well I can understand his frustration. From up here it looked like flagrant defensive pass interference, but I guess the officials saw it differently. Here we go. The clock is once again moving with 30 seconds left in the game. Third and goal, Biden drops back. The rush is coming. He rolls out to his left past Manchin who just stands there and lets the pass rushers through. Biden dances to the right, scans the field and sees his man wide open in the end zone. Biden plants his feet to throw and…… I can’t believe it, the entire Elephants’ bench has just run on to the field and piled on top of Joe! The Donkeys use their final time out. Pelosi is screaming at the referees that only eleven players are allowed on each side. The officials huddle. After a brief conference they cite the filibuster regulation that permits an unlimited number of players to obstruct the progress of the opposing team whenever it looks like they are going to score.”

“Exactly, Kevin. Rules are rules and this one was recently simplified in the interest of making more time available for commercial breaks. This is it. Ten seconds remaining. Fourth and goal from the twenty. Biden, working out of the shotgun formation, calls the signals and…..What’s this? Joe comes up empty handed. Center, Sinema, keeps the ball, does a 180, and sprints past the Donkeys’ backfield toward the opposite end of the field. She’s at the 50! The 40! Still going! Nobody is within twenty yards of her as she prances across the goal line for an Elephants score just as the clock expires. And that’s the ball game. Elephants 16, Donkeys 3. So Kevin, how do you account for today’s surprising outcome?”

“Not so surprising, Mark. Stats don’t lie, Since the beginning of the season Biden’s quarterback rating has steadily dropped and now stands at 40 percent. Clearly he’s not producing on the field. If he can’t pull himself out of his slump before the end of the season it looks bad for the Donkeys next season. Assuming there is one. Let’s go down to our color commentator who’s standing at one of the exits. Lauren, it looks like you’re talking to one of the fans right now.”

“That’s right, Mark. I’m here with Mr. John Public from Middleville. Mr. Public, I notice you’re wearing an Elephants jersey and a Donkeys cap. Which team do you support?

“I’m an independent, so I root for whichever team is not currently in power That makes it more fair. I voted Donkey last time, but obviously they’re hopeless. I’ll be an Elephants fan next season.”

“I see. So tell us more about your impression of today’s game.”

“What’s to tell? You saw the game. The Donkeys can’t deliver on their promises at all.”

“What about their historic field goal on the infrastructure bill?”

“What bill? I must have missed it when I went out for a beer.”

“You know the one point two trillion dollar one that will give you better public transportation, safer roads and bridges, broadband internet, safe drinking water, a more reliable power grid, flood control and modernization of ports and freight transport.”

“Oh. I was wondering where those three points came from. Well, how come they think they can afford a trillion bucks for that, and I could hardly afford to fill up my truck to drive to the game? Gas is up by thirty cents a gallon. Can’t afford a decent dinner. I paid two-fifty a pound more for my porterhouse last night.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“It’s obvious. All Biden’s’ fault. Happened under his watch, didn’t it?”

“But don’t experts say inflation’s due to worldwide disruptions on supply chains due to Covid coupled with increased demand as the economy is picking up?”

“‘Experts. What do they know? And why the hell haven’t they taken care of that stupid disease already after they made all those promises?”

“So I take it, Mr. Public, you’re vaccinated and support vaccination mandates”

“What? Are you kidding me? Those shots are experimental and have nasty side effects. Nobody tells me what to do with my body. This is America, lady, in case you forgot.”

“I see, so how do you propose we go about irradicating the disease?”

“How the hell do I know? I’m no doctor. I just came here to watch a football game and you’re here giving me the third degree. How did a left wing commie like you get a job commentating on Fox anyway?”

“Thank you Mr. Public. Well, guys, that’s the way things look here on the ground. And now back to you for the post game wrap up.”

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