Who am I, an emotional human, to preach what’s rational and good? My readers deserve a completely logical opinion. Who better then, than Mr. Spock. (Actual Spock quotes from the Star Trek series are signified in bold.)
Reporter: Today, coming to us from the Starship Enterprise, we have science officer, Mr Spock. Welcome to the show, Mr. Spock.
Spock: Thank you. If I had emotions, I’d probably say it’s a pleasure to be here. However, I will have to analyze the tone and content of our discussion before before coming to such a conclusion.
Reporter: Well, first off, I’d like to know what you are doing so close to Earth in the 21st century.
Spock: As you know, in addition to our routine mission “to boldly go where no man has gone before,” (apologies for the gender gaff. The show was conceived in the primitive 1960s after all, and let’s just overlook that split infinitive as a dramatic flourish), Enterprise occasionally travels back through time to tweak events that resulted in adverse effects on citizens of our 23rd century. We also make a trip now and then to stock up on good French wine during years of excellent vintages. Unfortunately, even a 1962 Chateau Lafitte doesn’t hold up for three centuries. We always sneak into a McDonalds to pig out on toxic junk food that was outlawed in the late 2150s. The mission was supposed to be a secret, but since the hostages are already aboard the Enterprise, I suppose I can reveal the purpose of our mission.
Spock: Yes. Our historians determined that when the 21st century humans elected Donald Trump, his cult endangered the health of the citizens and the planet and severely set back scientific and social progress. Had Trump and his followers been disempowered before the 2016 elections, the rate of advancement of human civilization would have proceeded more quickly and the lives of people over the next couple of generations would have been tremendously improved. But more important, the Enterprise would have been better built to withstand alien attacks without always losing power. Compared to what it could have been, this ship is a real clunker. It gets a bit tedious listening to Scotty say, “I’m giving her all she’s got, Captain!” and, meanwhile, we aren’t moving.
Reporter: I’m getting the idea history has not treated the Trump years well.
Spock: Your assessment is correct. Historians are unanimous in asserting that the rise of Trumpism stands as a testimony to the supreme illogic of the human mind. Any reasonable person should object to power without a constructive purpose. People had to use so much energy undoing all the harm that resulted from the Trump years and the strife that came in its wake, most productive endeavors were set back by decades. So, we went back to 2016 and picked up Trump and Pence. Your history books will confirm the Republicans ran Kasich but he made the mistake of taking Cruz on for VP which handed the election to Hillary. Within a few days your history books will show Hillary as president 45. You notice a big improvement in your mood as well. Also, the death toll from Covid in the USA will have been cut by ninety percent. Since Trump and his followers existed in an alternative mental universe, we decided to remove him and the most dangerous Republicans, physically, to a different galaxy. It’s a shame we don’t have space for all 75 million loonies who supported them. Without followers evil cannot spread. We can only hope once the leaders are gone, the people will move on to something more productive. Given the irrationality of the the human psyche, particularly that of the Trump supporters, that may be a stretch, but one can hope.
Reporter: Yes, I can understand your skepticism on that score but I suppose it’s worth a try. While you were time traveling, did you consider getting involved in any other eras?
Spock: Actually, we did consider going back to the mid-1990s and picking up Monica Lewinsky. Had the dalliance with Clinton not occurred, G.W.Bush wouldn’t have won in 2000, eternal Mid-East wars wouldn’t have occurred and global warming would have been addressed much sooner. But you know how Captain Kirk is with young seductive women, so we scuttled that idea. We did swing by ancient Judea with the hope of bringing Jesus back with us. We thought he might explain to evangelical Christians why it’s immoral to support the Republicans, but, after he got over the shock of being told about the religion they formed around him, he decided anyone who believed that story wouldn’t believe a word he said. Anyhow, he said, he had his hands full just trying to lead a revolution against the Romans and preferred not to get sidetracked. Even after we told him the Romans were going to crucify him, he decided to take his chances with them. He guessed the evangelicals probably would do worse once he told his true story and they saw he wan’t White. Captain Kirk also lobbied for us to pick up Margot Robbie or Beyonce. It wasn’t easy, but we managed to talk him out of it.
Reporter: Well, thank goodness you did. Millions of 21st Century men would be heartbroken. But bringing the historical Jesus back. What a scoop that would have been. Can you tell us who the hostages are?
Spock: Certainly. Trump himself, of course, and his entire family and close associates, as well as Justices Alito, Kavanaugh, Barett and Thomas. We also took Mitch McConnell and twenty or so Trumpist loonies from the Senate. Now the Dems might be able to pass some legislation and put justices on the Court who aren’t gun nuts and religious fanatics and won’t undo all their legislative work. We took all the legislators who objected to the Electoral College count, even after the insurrection (talk about irrationality). Since being holed up for hours during the insurrection didn’t bother them enough to get them to disavow the “big lie,” we figured they could handle a little crowding in the brig for a few hundred million light years. We also took the CEOs of all the social media sites who refused to regulate the abuse of their sites,”Q,” the Proud Boys and the Oath Takers, and a bunch of evangelical leaders. We have Rupert Murdock and the entire crew of Fox News under the tightest security. The right wing media certainly confirm what I’ve said many times, in critical moments men see exactly what they wish to see. (And women, trans, gay, lesbian, queer, etc. as well, of course. Hey, as I said, the show was conceived in primitive times.)
Reporter: From your own perspective, how do you explain the appeal of Trumpism to 21st century humans?
Spock: It’s very simple really. I’m frequently appalled by the low regard you earth men have for life, but even I am agape at how little regard Trump and the Republicans have for it. They’re against everything that any advanced civilization considers necessary for the well-being of their citizenry. Some humans cannot grasp the concept that the needs of many outweigh the needs of a few. Trump personifies the fact that evil seeks to maintain power by suppressing the truth and insufficient facts always invite danger. Certainly he appears crazy, but though madness has no purpose, it may have a goal. In his case, the goal was, like that of the rest of the Republicans, money. I must tell you I have not thoroughly enjoyed serving with humans, even the more evolved ones like Kirk and Bones. Well, Bones anyway. I find their illogic and foolish emotions a constant irritant. But, if I had human emotions, which, fortunately, I do not, the Republicans of the 20th and 21st centuries would enrage me.
Reporter: Well, I do have human emotions and I see your point. Are you at liberty to divulge where are you taking them?
Spock: No need to keep that a secret. As soon as we reach warp speed, they will be light years beyond reach anyway. We decided, based on the fact they are the most extreme version of the human race, brutal, savage, uncivilized and illogical, they would fit nicely in the Klingon empire. My only concern is that they might help make the Klingons more of a threat to the universe than they already are.
Reporter: Just out of curiosity, since you mentioned being irritated, if you don’t have emotions, how could you feel irritated?
Spock: It must be a negative trait I inherited from my human mother. Really, what my father ever saw in a human female is beyond me. If you’ve followed the episodes of our mission, you know the human side of me has not always served me well. Since my father was supposed to be a rational creature, how he got carried away emotionally by a human woman never made any sense to me. A lot of things in the show didn’t, but, it was steady work. Even Vulcans have to eat. Just a moment…. ( into his communicator: “Really? You used bubble gum and rubber bands again?”) Ah, Scotty tells me we are ready to initiate warp drive, so I’m afraid we’ll have to conclude our conversation here. Thank you for having me.
Reporter: And thank you Mr. Spock. Happy travels. Please convey our thanks to Kirk and your crew for this invaluable help. I’m sure the world will be a better place for it.