I Beg Your Pardon?

OK. Let me get this straight. The president of the US can pardon himself and a bunch of his buddies and family for crimes they have not even been indicted for? Not that they haven’t committed crimes. Plenty of them. No matter. If you are president, you can’t be indicted for a crime anyhow. So, like, just to pick out a random example, if witnesses see you shoot someone in broad daylight on Fifth Avenue, you can’t be charged, let alone convicted of murder. Sounds reasonable to me.

This morning I announced to my wife of more decades than I care to print that as chief executive of my 1700 square foot condo, I hereby pardon myself in advance for any domestic crimes I may commit. Water splashed all over the sink? Pardoned. Toilet seat up? Pardoned. Pots and pans not thoroughly scrubbed? Sorry honey, I’m pardoned. Don’t complain when I’m reading the Post in the morning and say “uh-huh” when I didn’t even hear what you said. I am also immune from prosecution for just tossing the extra blanket on the bed and not arranging it just so, tossing the throws over the sofa without folding them up properly, complaining about when you leave lights on even when I sometimes leave the back burner of the stove on after dinner is cooked….. Well, look, the list of my potential crimes is so long, I’m just issuing a blanket pardon. So that’s that.

Trump’s professedly orthodox Jewish son-in-law, who happens never to be photographed wearing a skull cap, which is rule number two of being a Jew (rule number one is hidden beneath his trousers, so let’s not go there,) must be rubbing off on him. On Yom Kippur, the most holy day in the Jewish calendar, worshippers, besides having to skip breakfast and lunch are supposed to sit in the synagogue all day (which is punishment enough for any crime) and confess to God to having committed every possible heinous sin imaginable–just in case they inadvertently, for example, caused the death of some person via some seemingly innocuous action. The original butterfly effect. They tell God, who’s supposed to already know what they did and didn’t do anyhow, “I’m guilty of whatever, so issue me a pardon and write my name down in that big book of life you have up there so I can survive another year to keep committing the same sins.” They most likely didn’t commit any crime. Nobody has accused them of anything. But just in case anyone ever does, they’re covered. Now that’s why Judaism is way ahead of Catholicism. The Catholics actually have to commit a sin to be pardoned, and admit it to a priest, but we Jews sweep it all under the rug, sort of like a money laundering operation. No wonder it appeals to Trump.

The rationale for making the president above the law no matter how much he breaks it is that the president is so busy doing presidential things, like tweeting lies and retweeting conspiracy theories, collecting emoluments and inciting insurrections, that being indicted for a crime would distract him from the important business of State. How would he be able to carry out the incredible demands of his job like making sure global warming, which is a hoax, is perpetuated, spotted owls go extinct, the US Post Office is paralyzed, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, reassuring us the “Chinese Flu” is nothing to worry about, dispensing excellent medical advice such as drinking bleach, exchanging love letters with dictators, having “perfect” phone calls to shake down world leaders and all the other really important duties, especially playing golf and watching Fox News, he has on his busy schedule? Yeah, that certainly justifies holding him immune from any prosecution.

He’s a great role model we all should emulate. You think he’s the only one doing so many great and important things? I’m a very busy guy as well, doing things like writing this very important blog. So I’m putting the Fairfax County traffic court on notice. If I ever get stopped for a traffic violation (whenever I, once again, have some place to go that requires driving a car,) don’t bother to summon me. I hearby pardon myself. That’ll go over just fine with the judge, don’t you think?