The wagon slowly made its way down Main Street one hot dusty day, driven by a hugely obese blond haired stranger. He was wearing a red cap and a dark suit. A bright red tie hung down to his crotch.
“Whoa,” said the stranger as the horse came to a weary stop outside the saloon.
“Howdy all,” the stranger called out as curious townsfolk mobbed the wagon, “Gather ’round”. I am Professor Trump, the wealthiest, most famous, greatest president this great land has ever produced, and I have taken out time from my presidential campaign, purely out of my love for Jesus and this, the greatest land on Earth, to bring you all a once in a lifetime opportunity.”
In his small hand he held, upside down, a black book. “This here little number is the ‘God Bless the USA, Lee Greenwood Bible.’ Hot off the presses and yours for a mere $59.99 plus shipping and handling. That comes to a nice round $200 dollars even. Every American needs a patriotic Christian Bible in their homes. I personally own several. It’s my favorite book– besides ‘The Art of The Deal,’ that is. People tell me there’s a lot of good stuff in it. And it’s written in the King James style, the very language our Lord Jesus Christ used when he delivered his incredible Sermon on the Mountain Top.
“I know you can get Bibles free from your church and on-line but this here one is very special. It features a genuine facsimile of a hand written chorus of Mr. Greenwood’s immortal song as well as copies of the Constitution, Bill of Rights, the Pledge of Allegiance, Declaration of Independence and much, much more. I heard tell there’s a lot of good stuff in them, too”
Oohs and ahhs emanated from the excited townsfolk, but one fellow piped up, “Say mister, if you are so successful and rich as you say you are, why are you traveling around pushing Bibles?”
“A fair question, sir, and as God is my witness, here’s the answer. This country is going haywire because, thanks to those godless Democrats, we are losing the Christian faith that the country was founded on. We need to bring ourselves back to the greatness of the Christian nation we used to be, and my promise is that if you vote for me, I’ll see to it that’s just what happens. You good Christian folk used to run the whole shootin’ match. Now you are the most persecuted people in the nation, besides me, of course. But thanks to my hand- picked Justices, that’s being straightening out right quick.”
Murmurs of approval rippled through the crowd.
“So step right up folks. Don’t be shy. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity that I, I mean you, can’t afford to miss. And for today only, if I you act right away I will throw in absolutely free (except for the modest handling fee of two thousand dollars,) a genuine “Make America Great” cap, one bottle of the finest Trump wine ( I never drink wine but, take it from me, I can tell by looking at that Trump label and that beautiful purple color it is without doubt the greatest vintage since humans began making wine–the best wine in the history of the world), a one pound Trump steak, well aged to a lovely green color, an original photocopy of a degree from Trump University and a pair of gold Trump sneakers. You can also order your Tump brand deodorant, underwear, ties, shirts, water bottles, furniture and more, all selling at rock bottom, close-out prices due to overstocking and bankruptcy sales.
“And today only, all purchasers will receive, free of charge, a bottle of Professor Trump’s Magical Elixir, guaranteed to cure anything from ingrown toenails to Covid. It contains full strength bleach that will knock out any nasty germs you could ever encounter. So step right up, folks. don’t miss out. Just hand over your cash and as soon as I clear out of town I’ll put in your orders. As my word is my bond. Which, by the way, has nothing to do with those completely unfair bonds I have to fork over to the courts, I might add.”
Fistfuls of cash flew out of those savvy townsfolk’s hands. The stranger stuffed it into his pockets. He slapped the reins on the horse’s rump. “Giddy up,” he shouted and that tired looking horse took off like a bolt of lightning.
“Hey, hold on there mister,” one skeptic called out after him, “ain’t you gonna take down our names and addresses?”
But by then the wagon had rounded the curve at the end of town and was barreling along toward the next one.
An Author's Inner Mind 